So remember at the beginning of the year, when I said I was going to blog more, yeah…Just like all the new years resolutioners, I failed miserably by the end of the month.
The main reason I have been struggling to blog because I was embarrassed. I guess it will be completely false to say that I did not stick to my resolution because I did mention that I wanted to be more informed as a vegan and embody all aspects of the lifestyle, especially the ethical side. With trying to do so, I realized how non cruelty free I was. I cringed everyday wearing my winter jacket, stopped wearing my make up because I knew exactly what life was lost in order for me to slabber my face with artificial chemicals and tried hard to not wear my uggs out of fear that someone may call me out on it. I wanted to be the best vegan I could be to convince others of all the benefits. Going on the idea that
“seeing is believing” I thought that I needed to show (through my outwards appearance and actions) this lifestyle of compassion, health and awareness in hopes of nudging people in the right direction.
But one thing I didn’t do was have compassion for myself. This part is the hardest for me to talk about. Before coming to this lifestyle i had lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time calorie restricting, and all that weight came back with a vengeance. I knew it was bound to happen, especially with a very in-depth understanding of the metabolic processes in my body. (#sciencenerd) But I told myself that since I was doing everything right, I should be fine. I found it hard at first and tried to fight back because I told myself that if I eat the right meals I will not gain weight. I ate very “clean” no oils, no salt, no overt fats, just carbs and veggies, I didn’t stuff myself and stopped when I was full. I fought so hard with every energy in me but nothing.
I put so much pressure on myself and crawled in a dark hole and all I was stressing about was that number on the scale. I really wanted so hard to convince everyone around me about the joys of being a vegan and ALL THE HEALTH IMPACTS but instead of the improvements I was experiencing, I chose to focus on the negatives and questioned why me. Because of that, I felt almost as a fraud posting because I really really have such hopes in this lifestyle and wanted to convince people about all the benefits but it is hard when I can’t get past what I saw in the mirror and what I thought about myself. Instead of focusing on my acne and my weight gain, I should have focused on my increased energy levels, my strength and my fitness.
I got tired of it all and said enough. It goes to say that following a vegan lifestyle is not all rainbows and sunshine. Especially relatively new to this life, my body is still adjusting and I need to realize that its okay. Everybody is different, my body is still getting used to this diet, still healing from the damage I did to my body and will obviously take time. Having negativity in my life doesn’t help at all. Obviously I still have insecurities but I am working towards self love. Thats the goal for the summer. To embody the lifestyle not only do I need to have compassion for the animals, the earth and others but also for myself.