19 going on 40

I have always ben an independent person, always tried to do the right thing since I was a child: follow what my parents told me to do, did my homework, try to achieve good grades and be the best person i could possibly be around myself and around people. Each year I strived to be better to get close to doing everything right. Getting to highschool I tried to be well rounded, look good on paper, be liked by the parent and be liked by my fellow peers. In all be the realest person I could be and show people of my age that the right things to do is do well, focus on school, focus on family have good relationships and don’t do anything against the law or bad for you. I joined the rowing team, I started to learn more about the world around and more and more with all this information I continued to strive to “do everything right.” This was working for me at first then everything came tumbling down. Everything I thought I was doing right did not seem to matter in this situation, all my goals my dreams (what i thought were my dreams) did not come true. Fast forward to university, having that big stumbling block at the end of high school motivated me to channel my energy in convincing myself that I was okay and that I can still do everything right and someday I can still make my plan come true. I was just so hell bent on being perfect and doing everything right that I did everything wrong. I starved myself because I did not feel like it was worth the need to eat, if I cant have this one thing I worked so hard maybe I can channel my energy to looking the “healthiest I can be.” I dabbled in a social life beyond what I was used to in a sheltered prep school environment but knowing that my parent disapprove I found myself quickly retreating. I buried my nose behind my books, I hid in the library, I shut the door on people, my family was my only source of real conversations for many stretches of weeks. Yes i talked to people, I was “involved” but I was closed away from people. I took being independent so far because I thought it was the right thing to do. In addition being vegan, knowing it was the best thing for me to do, the ideals and the opinions i started to take on were so different from what people my age were thinking about. I was starting to average 8-9-10hrs of sleep each night, getting up early, moving my body, fueling my body with the right things, sticking to my books, and doing the right things. And all I could not help but notice is people going out, having fun, being intoxicated and knowing that it can be detrimental in the future. All I think about is the future, how being independent, being healthy now is going to be helpful in the future. Doing the right thing now is helpful in the future, slaving over books and grades now will get me a good job But this  is hurting me, it is not bad, actually is great to think about the future and strive to be the best you can be, but when it becomes your sole purpose to do the “right” thing, you can isolate yourself so much. You start to feel like everyone around does not see eye to eye. I am not saying that all the people I am surrounded by are alcoholics who rave and don’t care about their education. i am just saying that it is so hard at my age to find people so consumed by preparing for the future without feeling fomo. Or unless my ambitions, my independence is rather the factor driving away people and isolating me. I am currently sitting in my bed on a Wednesday night having done the same thing every single day for the past week, not much contact beyond studying for my finals and chatting with my housemates, going through the same schedule every day and finding myself isolated more and more. I battle with myself each day fending off these thought i have because from where I have come from being alone is the least of people’s worries, and I feel like I am not allowed to be sad about that because there are people out there who are going through way worse. What makes my problems worse than them? Am i growing up to fast or am i missing something that everyone around me is on to. At this point I do not feel like I can reach out to anyone else so I am here typing away. I am not asking for pity or people to reach out, I just ned a platform to vent and get my words across. I am not extremely proud of my self proclaimed loneliness but I do not know whether I can really fit in to a crowd of people my age knowing that my priorities are not considerably aligned with the people who have come and gone in my life. Is it wrong to be independent, strive to be healthy and self-sustained at my age when I should be making mistakes and going wild?i personally do not enjoy partying and going wild but is that why I am feeling isolated from people my age? You tell me.

 

One thought on “19 going on 40

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  1. I understand. I’m the same way, although occasionally I “go wild” when the occasion arises.

    You’re a good writer. Keep it up :). And always feel free to reach out.

    Like

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