This summer has been a huge summer for me. The amount of personal growth I have gone through this summer has been immense, one of which is finally coming to term with my weight gain.
See, i never really shared my real reason for going vegan. I wrote a naive first blog post about why i went vegan and said that it was okay to eat meat when the animal was well respected. In all honesty, that was just facade I hid behind because i was embarrased about the real reason I became a vegan.
I was always the girl in high school who was proud of my full figure, well that was the only body shape i ever saw myself in. I was never small, tiny, wore a size 4 and never had eyes on me because of my figure. i was proud until my final year in high school when I noticed myself as a big black dot in a see of white mini dots. i was dissapointed with my final year and decided to make a big change going to college. To come with a smaller frame, to hide behind the masses because i thought if i lost the weight i could be just like the average girl in uni who didn’t have a big figure that matched a big voice. I restricted, I purged, I starved, i binged, I was driven crazy by my infatuation to be skinny and lost myself on the way. I deprived myself of the essential nutrient all for happiness but rather drove myself more to loneliness and trapped in a jail that became an eaten disorder that took away my joy during my first year of school. I was tired of always thinking about food but wanted to maintain this lean frame I had effortlessly. Thats when I came accross being vegan, in some way I thought it will be the answer to all my problems, a way to heal but evade the pounds. I was wrong
As I fed myself abundantly with nourishing foods my body did what it was suppose to do and packed on the pounds, it did not trust me and held on tightly for any extra food in case i decided to starve myself again. I fought back hard and restricted again, I stepped up my exercise game, I ate very strictly high carb low fat getting down my fat intake to about 2% sometimes, I was miserable with the weight and it did not help living in house where I was shocked that girls ate whatever they wanted and still stayed lean, that was my eating disorder affecting my view of people. I was so fixated on my looks and it drained me. I knew that I was feeding myself properly but just didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I was ravenous at every meal and didn’t stop eating when I was full and kept going till I was very full but not as bad as my binges. I was fighting so hard, and kept fighting till March then I realized that it was too much stress to try and control something I knew in the back of my mind was inevitable. When I got back to close to my original size in my early years of high school I also felt like my cheerful self from that time was coming back. i was starting to feel more like me again. I spent this summer accepting my weight gain, working to accept myself and working towards having a healthy relationship with exercise not infatuating myself with an idea of what i wanted my body to look like. I relaxed my eating restrictions and enjoy more fatty foods because it was important for me to build a healthy relationship to food. Things are slowly turning around for me but I am still struggling with it everyday, I do not look like a lot of the lean vegans, the vegans who lost weight on this lifestyle, the vegans who have glowing skin and lean physique. i am the opposite, my skin is not the greatest (because of genetics) and I gained weight on this lifestyle. Though unfavourable, the beautiful thing about this is that I am slowly starting to see my body realize that I am not starving it anymore, my hunger levels have curbed, I am so much happier and most importantly my relationship with food is more as fuel rather than a reward for those 10km I ran.
I am still learning and getting more comfortable in my skin, that is why I am not ashamed anymore to talk about this topic. Being in this situation brought me to this lifestyle and has opened my eyes to both the health aspect of it and the compassion that this lifestyle is centered around. Compassion for the animals, compassion for ourselves and those around us. For this next year of my vegan life, I am not going to try and focus on my appearance but rather sustaining a healthy life, mentally and physically, making sure to move my body, and eat a whole food diet and learn to love the body I have because I only have one body to carry me through my life.
Yep, cat’s out of the hat. i am yet another girl who joined the veg squad because i thought it will be best to put my body through hell. But I am still carrying around those 40ibs but with that weight I also gained myself back and could never be more grateful for that.