I have been obsessed with food for as long as I can remember. As a child, it was never difficult for my mother to feed me because I always ate everything I was given and even more. I loved food. I loved the sense of comfort it gave. I loved the memories it was tied to. And most importantly, I loved the taste. Yet even though I was obsessed with food, my relationship did not go beyond it nourishing me and enjoying it. I always knew my limits with food and although I would over indulge on special occasions ,I was not stuffing my face or over eating. I ate intuitively.
But when I decided to pursue a “healthier lifestyle” as in crash diet and eat less than 1000 calories a day, my relationship with food changed. I became hypersensitive. Always thinking about my next meal, my next portion sizes, what exactly I was going to eat, how exactly I was going to eat and when in the day I would eat my food. I was both crazy about food but scared of it too. The summer of 2014 was probably the beginning of a difficult journey that has spiralled into my uncontrollable obsession with food. My motivation to get thin and impress people in my new university caused me to restrict my calories. Every day when I weighed myself I would be thinking about how I could manipulate my food to lose pounds the next day. I lost the weight but I struggled to keep it off. Stress in school and strained relationships plunged me into further restriction then a cycle of binging. I would binge, then I would purge till the point that my body could no longer handle the food and I will lay in bed, stomach five times its limit, sobbing. This is when I turned to veganism. I wanted to heal myself from my food obsession and eat abundantly but I was still in a negative midset. I felt that it would allow me to eat anything I wanted and still stay skinny. I was wrong. I ate and ate, obsessed over my food, started counting calories and restricting when I started gaining weight, all to hold on to the frail physique I had during the height of my eating disorder. The pounds came on like a train and I blamed everything else–the stress in my life, my loneliness and my health problems, except for the key problem. I failed to accept the fact that I was the problem. I was in denial and did not want to accept the fact that I was struggling with a disorder. I was still obsessed with food. I would try consistently to try and lose weight, and the thought of losing weight drove me to eat more as if I was fighting internally with myself and saying that I would never lose the weight. I felt double minded whenever I would binge, knowing well that I should not be eating more than my stomach could handle but still continuously shoving food down my throat.
Fifty pounds later, I stopped caring and for once thought I was okay. The weight started slipping off but as I noticed I had lost a considerable amount of weight I tried to put momentum behind it, working out more consistently and eating better. But I found myself slipping back. A few weeks ago I said I would go on a fitness challenge to lose some weight but I find myself sitting in my bed today, after a binge, knowing well that I ate past my capacity and feel trapped. I really really want to move past this time in my life and not be gripped by my eating disorder but I still feel trapped. I still feel that I will never overcome it but I do not want this to be my mindset.
As I move on to the next stage of my life I want to take this summer to really focus on this disorder and reteach myself to love my body and establish a better relationship with food. Recovery is difficult with many relapses but it is possible. The hardest part of this is going to be my obsession with food. Filling my brain space with something else.
With that being said, the recipes may not be as frequent, as it is important for me to recover and focus on my relationship with food, without having pressure to provide content consistently. I love sharing my food with you all but I do not want that to be at the cost of my mental health. The food review will slow down after the next one I publish (which I have already written) as I want to spend time eating simple and nourishing foods. I will try and document my journey throughout the next few months because sharing is therapeutic for me.
Wish me luck